Have you ever known a couple to divorce that you thought was happy and solid? Appearances don’t always tell the story. A cynical observer might conclude that these “happy” couples are simply putting on a façade. But this isn’t necessarily the case. As it turns out, many of the assumptions we have about what makes marriages last don’t match up to reality. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I was trained to teach people to communicate more effectively and learn to validate one another’s feelings. This worked out pretty well in counseling sessions but often failed to manifest outside my office. Couples would jokingly tell me that I needed to come home with them so I could referee all their arguments! Sadly, the tools we therapists have had at our disposal haven’t been all that useful.

So what makes marriage succeed? As it turns out, it comes down to simple math: healthy couples are able to resolve conflict positively 5 out of 6 times they argue. When this 5:1 ratio breaks down, so does the marriage. This may seem simplistic, but the research is absolutely solid. John Gottman, Ph.D., began observing couples in a laboratory setting at his research facility in Seattle, WA, a number of years ago. It was the first research of its kind. He connected couples to machines that measure physiological response such as galvanic skin response, blood pressure, heart rate, etc. and began to observe what was happening underneath the surface when couples tried to resolve problems. What he discovered was truly revolutionary. He noticed that many couples became immensely distressed when they began arguing. They would sweat, their blood pressure would rise and their heart rates would soar well above 100 beats/minute. Often times, these reactions were not detectable on their faces or even in their outward demeanor. Gottman called these physiological events “flooding." These individuals were experiencing a “fight or flight” response that makes it nearly impossible to remain rational and respectful during a heated discussion. Gottman called these destructive communication patterns “The 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.” They consist of (1) Criticism, (2) Defensiveness (3) Contempt and (4) Stonewalling. Gottman became so skilled at identifying these destructive patterns that he could eventually predict which couples were headed for divorce within a few minutes of observing them with 94% accuracy!

Marriage and Family Therapist researchers have also long assumed that there is only one kind of successful couple: the “validating couple.” Dr. Gottman’s research proved this wrong as well. He identified “volatile” couples and “avoidant couples” whose marriages remained strong and healthy as long as they maintained the 5:1 ratio of positive to negative resolutions during conflict. Volatile couples might argue 10 to 20 times per day; avoidant couples once/month. But in the end, the ability to resolve differences positively at a 5:1 ratio led to successful marriages.

So, where are we today? Many Marriage and Family Therapists are now adopting Gottman’s new approach to helping couples build healthier and more successful marriages. Much of the focus is on helping couples learn to identify when they are flooding and preventing these events from sabotaging their communication. Couples are learning to take more tender approaches to resolving conflict, incorporate humor, focus on “solvable” problems (as opposed to “unsolvable”) and forgive one another while moving toward building deeper trust. Building and maintaining healthy relationships isn’t always easy, but Gottman’s research has helped shed some hopeful light on what has sometimes been a difficult path for many couples.

Healthy Boundaries in relationships can be difficult to establish and maintain, but when we do, they preserve trust and commitment, two important pillars for sound relationships. Boundaries in relationships, like fences, remind us of our responsibilities, and help us manage our relationships well. Poor boundaries in relationships, on the other hand, can create misunderstandings, hurt, disappointment, and resentment.

However, what these boundaries should be is not always clear. Here are some guidelines to help:

• Know what you own--and own what’s yours. Know your beliefs, values, and preferences. Know your goals, strengths and weaknesses. Learn to know your negotiables and non-negotiables.

• Know and manage your physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual health. Be a good steward of these, as they are gifts. They are your “property.” Take care of them.

• Own up to your mistakes. Accept consequences and take responsibility for your own choices.

• Know what is not yours.  Allow and expect others to know and own themselves and their responsibilities. Don’t rescue other adults from the consequences of irresponsible behavior and decisions.

• Clearly assert your boundaries. It’s only fair to let people know what your boundaries are. When a boundary has been violated, confidently tell the other individual what has happened and how you hope to be treated next time. You can say, “When you yell, I feel attacked.” Sometimes saying it once is not enough.

• Remove yourself from frequent violators. Sometimes the only way to respect yourself is to limit contact with the other person.

• Don’t be so rigid with your boundaries that you isolate yourself.  You can be flexible, yet consistent.

Healthy boundaries provide the freedom to pursue appropriate and mutually responsible relationships for a lifetime. Sometimes, however, no matter how hard we work at it, there are issues such as addictions and abuse that require us to seek professional counseling to learn skills and find support.

Do you ever find yourself needing some “self care,” yet, you have feelings of guilt? Your internal dialogue might be something like this: “I know I need this, but am I being selfish?” Self care and the need (not want) for it is crucial to maintain balance in our emotional, physical and spiritual lives. Self care makes us more productive and better able to care for others.

There are many kinds of self care which can include: reading, meditation, prayer, Bible study, exercise, planning and eating healthy, going on a drive or walk, time with friends, quiet time/solitude, movie nights, date nights, shopping for yourself and therapy. In addition, therapeutic self care may be needed when you feel excessive guilt about your needs being met and feel that your current or past issues are getting in the way of your day to day function. Many people aren’t in the habit of self care and need a jump start with some direction and permission from an objective person who will guide and counsel them to self care and not selfishness by learning healthy habits and boundaries. It takes strength to admit our weaknesses and areas we need to address.  This admission is the first step in self care. Trinity counselors are trained to help you on this journey to health.